The Guardians of the Galaxy were gearing up for their latest mission, and as usual, things were anything but ordinary. Star-Lord, the always cocky leader, was at the ship’s controls, cranking up the tunes. Gamora was sharpening her sword with the kind of focus that made even her reflection nervous. Drax, the strong but sometimes clueless (always) fighter, was lifting weights and muttering “I hate stories where everybody lives”. Rocket was tinkering with a gadget, grumbling about his last invention’s “minor explosive malfunction,” (it destroyed a moon) and Groot, the lovable giant, was well saying “I am Groot”. 

Their mission? To recover the Celestial Orb, an ancient artifact stolen by Yondu (yes the blue dude that sends an arrow around with his whistle.) the Cruel (not really), a crime lord with a name that sounded like it came from a bad movie script. The Orb could alter entire worlds, Yondu wanted to use it for his devious plans. 

Their first stop was Munas, a bustling space port with more aliens than it could actually handle. Rocket’s eyes were on a shady guard who looked like he had been in a few too many bar fights with full-grown bears. With a few well-placed bribes (big lies) and a promise to fix his broken hoverboard (another lie), Rocket got the info they needed: Yondu was hiding out on Xandar, a planet known for its dangerous (that’s what Yondu says) terrain and its complete lack of decent restaurants. 

When the Guardians landed on Xandar, they were greeted by rocky (yet boring) canyons and dust storms that made Star-Lord’s hair look like he’d stuck his head in a dryer (surprisingly it suits him better). “Looks like someone forgot to pay the dust bill,” StarLord quipped as they disembarked. Gamora rolled her eyes and reminded him that saving the galaxy didn’t come with a “No Dust” guarantee. 

Their trek through the planet’s harsh landscape soon turned into a series of comedic misadventures (total disaster). Drax managed to get stuck in a narrow crevice as they carefully navigated the rocky terrain. “It’s like the universe’s version of a wedgie!” he complained. Rocket had to use a grappling hook to pull him out. 

The team’s troubles escalated when they encountered a group of bounty hunters (idiots). Rocket unleashed a barrage of blaster fire, which made Groot’s defensive branches look like a particularly ambitious party decoration. Gamora and Drax charged into battle, with Drax shouting, “I will crush you like a bug!” (he will)—which, given his usual lack of subtlety, was not much of a threat. 

In the middle of the chaos, Star-Lord cracked jokes to distract the hunters. “Hey, did you hear the one about the bounty hunter who lost his job? 

He couldn’t get a ‘catch’ on anything!” Despite their efforts, the bounty hunters were persistent, and the team had to fight their way through. 

As they ventured deeper into Xandar, the Guardians discovered Yondu’s hideout—a massive underground chamber (super cool) with an over-the-top, villainous décor that looked straight out of a cartoon (not exactly the coolest). Yondu, with his ridiculously weird smile, was holding the Celestial Orb like he was in a dramatic movie scene (he was). 

The final showdown was anything but ordinary. Yondu used the Orb’s power to create illusions that made everyone’s worst fears come alive. He also used his arrow and whistled it around making it a whole clown show as everyone was battling their fears while running from an autistic arrow chasing to kill them (it looked like a ballet routine gone wrong). Gamora was faced with her old enemies, Drax saw his missing family in a never-ending buffet line (of course he did), Rocket encountered a malfunctioning version of his worst gadget (the pimple popper), and Groot felt like he was in a forest full of trees that wouldn’t stop talking (YAY Groot). 

Amid the chaos, Star-Lord shouted, “Remember, folks, it’s just a bad dream! Except for the part where we’re fighting a villain with a flair for the dramatic and his clingy arrow,” The team refocused and, with a mix of determination and humor, took down Yondu and reclaimed the Celestial Orb. 

Back on the ship (Banana Peel69), as they soared away from Xandar, Rocket was already tinkering with the Orb, muttering, “If this thing gives me more trouble, I’m going to put it on a leash.” Gamora, trying not to laugh, said, “Let us just hope it doesn’t start talking back.”

Star-Lord looked at his team, beaming. “Well, we made it through another cosmic mess (barely). Thanks for not making me a solo act—again.” Drax, still catching his breath, said, “I was not worried. I am made of stern stuff. Groot added, “I am Groot,” which everyone knew meant, “That was fun.” 

With laughter filling the ship, the Guardians of the Galaxy flew off into the vastness of space, their bond stronger than ever. They had faced a treacherous planet, battled bounty hunters, and dealt with illusions and the clingiest arrow to exist, all while cracking jokes and keeping their spirits high. In the end, it wasn’t just their skills but their friendship and humor that saw them through. And as they ventured into the stars, they knew that together, they could handle any cosmic shit load disaster that came their way.

Penned By:

Team Inglorious – Rotaverse ’24