I haven’t had a dentist appointment in over 20 years.  

The year was 2001. It was the All-Hallows’ eve or Halloween as you regular folks call it. It was around  lunchtime, and I was at the office finishing up my work for the day. I had requested to have the evening  off because I had a dentist’s appointment to get to. So, I got done with my work and came home for a  fresh set of clothes, something that gave me more wiggle space than the formal office wear that had  clung to my body all morning. 

I had never been to the dentist before, so I was a bit anxious about what to expect of the evening to  come. Since I was pretty antisocial in real life, I turned to my computer to talk to a friend over the  internet to ease my mind and help me be prepared a little. This was the early days of the internet so  chat forums took a good while to log into and get to actually chatting. My friend, “XTerm” and I had  been e-friends for about 6 months now. I only knew her by her internet handle, and she only knew mine  about me. “Rookey”. It’s a play on the word rookie as I was a newbie to this whole thing.  

After I learned what to expect and had a good talk with my friend, I got in a cab to get to the dentist’s  office. I didn’t want to take my car that day. The dentist’s office was a good 45 minutes away from  where I live, and I had to drive past several other dentists to get there. I chose this specific one because  it was family owned and seemed like a really cozy, warm place. It didn’t seem to be very busy and that  was perfect for me. I didn’t want my first experience to get too rigid or chaotic.  

I got there without incident and the receptionist, who was the wife of the dentist, greeted me with a  warm smile. I happened to be their only appointment for the evening. Since I was really anxious, I took  the time to get familiar with the tools the good dentist had on his clinical table. There were dental  syringes, dental drills, small mirrors, scalpels, anesthesia, and a lot of other fancy equipment. All the  equipment looked very clean and brand new so that eased my mind a bit. I assumed that would mean  there will be minor to no complications in using those tools.  

The chair seemed comfy enough as well.  

The dentist and the wife were really kind enough and they let me take up as much time as I needed to  explore the room and ease my mind. Once I had made up my mind we finally got to work. 

The first thing I have to say is the sound of the dental drill boring into teeth is a god-awful sound. And  the smell and residue that lingers on due to the heat of the drill are even worse. Either way, I think I did  a pretty good job for the first time. The dentist, now bound to the chair with rope, didn’t seem to  disagree with me when I asked him. The wife who was gassed just enough to hang on to her  consciousness by a straw seemed to be smiling in agreement.  

After I had drilled 27 holes each in both of their teeth, the dentist was begging me to kill both of them  and put an end to their misery. How ungrateful! I chose them as my first victims, and they didn’t even  have the human decency to thank me for my kindness. 

To cut a long story and a tantrum short, I found out that dental drills can indeed drill through human  skulls. At least one and a half. That’s when the drill broke. At that point I was bored so I put on my  clinical gloves like a smart man, so as not to leave fingerprints on the ligature marks and resorted to the  second step in my plan of action. My friend was right. The first time is the hardest. Once you see the  beauty in the split-second light leaves their eyes as you squeeze their jugulars, you see how majestic life

is. It’s addictive, therefore one must tread that path carefully. The dentist made a perfect first example  and the wife followed suit in a close second. Life really is funny, once you get past the initial wave you get confident and understand how to ride through the next ones while enjoying yourself.  

Then I hopped in another cab and got home. My friend was really proud of me when I told her how  everything had gone down. I even sent her the photographs by e-mail. She told me even her more  experienced, veteran friends were impressed and sent their compliments.  

The broken dental drill hangs over my bed in a bulletproof frame to this day. It reminds me that even I  was once capable of greatness. I relive my day of glory through that on a daily basis.  

No one else is able to figure out why a broken piece of medical equipment brings me so much joy. 

So that’s the end of the story about my first dental appointment from over two decades ago. I don’t  expect common filth like you to understand the greatness of this ballad.  

The end. 

P.S. I finished binging ‘Dahmer’. It’s the 30^th of October 28, 2022. My wisdom tooth hurts a lot tonight. 

Edited and published by: RACSLIIT Editorial Team 2022-23